Keep your nest eggs safe

You never know when you might need that nest egg you’ve been squirrelling away most of your adult life. Nobody saw this coming did they?

Well, actually, quite a few people did and have been warning of it for years. Fortunately, our government was prudent enough to carry out a pandemic management exercise as recently as 2016. Unfortunately, they decided not to follow any of the advice from the report and instead continued their policy of gradual erosion of the NHS and the UK benefits system, whilst calling themselves the people’s government. But not to worry, top scientists alerted the world’s governments back in December that a global pandemic was now not just highly likely, but ACTUALLY DEFINITELY GOING TO HAPPEN IN 2020. Fortunately, the new virus wouldn’t hit the UK for another couple of months, so we still had time to prepare. Unfortunately, the people’s government once again chose to ignore the expert advice (who saw that coming?) and instead continued their policy of gradual erosion of the NHS and benefits system, whilst ensuring there were plenty of tax loopholes for them and their pals to jump through.

But after our Dear Leader’s herd immunity plans were cruelly thwarted by the Premier League and Football League taking it upon themselves to cancel mass gatherings, a belated lockdown was inevitable. Fair play though, he tried to drag it out for another week by asking people not to go to pubs and restaurants whilst allowing them to stay open. God loves a trier, doesn’t he?

So that’s where our nest eggs come in. Yes, the chancellor unveiled an ‘unprecedented’ support package for these ‘unprecedented’ times. But we all know that isn’t going to last long. Especially if he keeps saying ‘unprecedented’. If he says it in the mirror three times does Margaret Thatcher rise from the dead to hunt down anyone still trying to make a living as a miner? We’re all going to have to dip into our savings, so thank goodness we’ve all followed the advice of having £30,000 in savings by the age of 30. We can ride this out, no problem.

Except, unfortunately, that’s not how it works. The vast majority of people are living paycheck to paycheck because nest eggs are a huge luxury that capitalism simply does not afford to the average citizen. Once again, the people’s government showing just how in touch with their electorate they are.

But if you are fortunate enough to have a nest egg. Keep it safe. Unlike this goose here:

Building a nest on a slope, and then allowing the eggs to roll away whilst looking in the other direction feels like a metaphor for something. Can’t think what, though.